Competitive Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics

I may have lost a competitive Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics game. I'm not sure; rules changed every three seconds, the 5 year old was sure of the outcome and happily declared she had won the match. The 5 year old is one of our favorite short people, and belongs to the class of children known as Emergency Broadcast Children, but that's another story.

Apparently, the 5 year old is named: She-has-an-unbelievable-amount-of energy….will-she-ever-slow-down…NOW-what-is-she-doing!

We believe that's her given name, because whenever her parents talk about her they do two things:

1. Quickly twist their heads about to possibly catch a glimpse of the blur they believe is their 5 year old daughter.
2. Say her aforementioned name

For ease of use, we can call her, 'Evie'.

Here is an unre-touched transcript of the actual Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics game.

Evie: Ok, first, first, first … um …. you hit the ball through there - in the goal BUT you can't hit it with the stick like this …. you MUST hit it slower than me …..
Me: Ok.
Evie: I get a point.
Me: How? (I realized I had much to learn about the game)
Evie: Now, we'll … um … we'll place the ball here and you have to hit ….
JuJu ... Stop It...STOP IT (to her older sister, Juliette, aka JuJu) …

- - - - - -

We go to commercial break while my worthy competitor, Evie, and her older sister, Juliette, carefully and thoughtful discuss who is allowed to play the game. Their mother has to intercede the gentle and civil discussion only three times.

With only minor gnashing of teeth, we return from commercial break.

- - - - - - -

Evie: OK…. Um ….. you can't stop my ball from getting the goal, but I can block yours.
Evie: (with out doing anything) I get another point, I'm leading by 5 points now.
Me: ??? (Apparently, my strategy is to stand around and wait for Evie to score more mystery points.)
Evie: Can I have some water?
Me: (Thinking: A-Ha! My big break! While she is distracted by using both hands on the "big girl cup", I can be assured a victory of the game)
Evie: (Apparently aware of my plans) I don't want any water, anymore.
Evie: I get another point.
Me: ??? (Apparently, I'm still flawlessly executing my strategy of standing around and waiting for Evie to score more points)
…

The rest of the evening continued this way until we had run out of points; apparently Evie had won all of the points "in the entire world". During the post-game press conference, I was careful to mention that Evie "came ready to play" and "wanted the win, more then me"

But I'm not worried about this loss, there will be more Basket-Hockey-Golf-Calisthenics competitions –

When that happens, I'll be ready. (Evie! Look! Over there! It's Mickey Mouse!)


(c) 2009 b shaw

Happy Fourth of July!

From our celebration of Independence Day with our family. This is my brother-in-law with his daughter.

Actual Nature

As you may know, I enjoy photography. Part of that enjoyment comes from having your ego crushed when you lose yet another photography contest. So, I've started to regularly participate in some of these free, nothing to lose, online photography contests.

Right now, I'm contemplating competing in one contest that has a particular theme - Landscapes. You know the type - like the images that 'Ansel Adams' photographed of nature and stuff.

Here is their rule about what may be included - "Landscapes shots are self explanatory, architecture doesn't count!"

Immediately, I notice something funny about their rule. No architecture, no buildings! This means that I would have to go out to ... nature. Actual nature!

Before I mention my concerns, let me clarify that I'm not saying there is anything wrong with nature. My wife and I are very pro-nature. For example, my wife buys specially formulated bird food to put in the the 7 to 10 bird feeders located around our house. We do this so we can regularly feed our slightly obese squirrels. As a matter of fact, we feel that our resident family of fat little squirrels would probably go hungry if we didn't give them this specially formulated bird food.

Plus I think it's kinda' cute the way the squirrels wait to be feed. They sit back on their hind legs and rest their front paws on their little pudgy bellies - very cute - they look like tiny NASCAR fans waiting for more beer. So, you can see, we are pro-nature.

At this point, you may conclude that I have a lawn, that I must tend to the lawn, and some consider lawns to be natural. You are half correct. I do have a lawn, but I believe we have undocumented workers tending to the lawn. However, I'm not really sure, 'cause we contract with the lawn service through the internet. We find it's cheaper to hire them, than pay for the gas to put in my lawnmower.

Also, as you know, the rule clearly stated no architecture - so a panoramic of my dandelion garden with my house in the background isn't appropriate. (My lawn service is very good at cultivating dandelion lawn cover.)

Anyway, I mention all of this because ... um..... it's that I'm a bit nervous about going out into actual nature.
Here are just a few of my questions and concerns:

• How long can I be exposed to actual nature before something happens to me? Will my blackberry have a signal?
  
• If I were to get over exposed to actual nature, are there readily available antidotes?
  
• Do these natural places have the good Starbucks with wi-fi hotspots? Or, do they have just the small Starbucks, the ones with out the wi-fi hotspots?
  
• Importantly, do any of these natural places have partnerships with any airlines? I want to, at least, get some airline miles out of this endeavor.

Had this been a real emergency ...

I believe I heard a very exciting story this evening at dinner. But I'm not completely sure.

This was because the storytellers, two friends of ours, brought their two daughters, also two friends of ours.

The daughters are a 4 year old ("4 and a 1/2", she's quick to correct), and a soon to be 3 year old. As a side note, when the younger is reminded that her 3rd birthday is next week, she is very excited for as long as 0.7 secs. Then she's on to the next item.

My wife and I had one of the kids on each of our laps, while our taller friends told the story.

Below is a summary of the story, as I heard it:

- - - -

Our neighbor had a burglar ... Brian, Brian, Brian, BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIANBRIANBRIANBRIANBRIAN...(The 4 1/2 yr old was in full Emergency Broadcast Mode. About a foot away from my ear.) ...

We saw the burglars leave their property and we called the neighbors to see if they were ....Your sock's are soooooo BIG that you fall ALL the way to the bottom!! . . . HAHAHAHAHAHHA .....

A couple of days later, the burglars returned and we saw them as they .... BRIAN! BRIAN! BRIAN! ...um....um ....

Then I walked over and moved their getaway veh ..... You are 72 years old. HAHAHAHA !! ...

Two of the burglars escaped on foot when ... Brian, BRIAN, BRIAN! BRIANBRIANBRIANBRIANBRIAN! ... Are you going to the concert? ...

Meanwhile, the third burglar pulled away while I held the burglar's shirt, and ... Brian! Brian! Your neck is SOOO big, ... I mean...... um ... um....

So I had the shirt from the burglar in my hands when the police arrived .... Your neck is SOOOO tall it goes all the way up THERE! HA HA HA! ......

Eventually, the canine unit came out, sniffed the shirt and took off straight toward the... ...Your hair is so big, it goes from here to THERE! HAHAHAHAHAHA ...

They couldn't find anyone, but the next day the police returned and told us ... BRIAN! BRIAN! BRIAN!...{silence}...

And, surprisingly, the burglar wasn't a 15 yr old, the burglar was ... Brian, Brian, Brian! You have a leaf-shoe! HAHAHA ....

It turns out, she was one of the students from my... BRIAN! BRIAN! BRIAN! Your eyes are THIS big !!... HAHAHAHAHAHA ...

- - - -

Anyway, I think it was a very exciting story and may have had a surprising twist at the end.

However, with certainty, I can report, the test of the Emergency Broadcast Child (EBC) worked perfectly well, and, importantly, had this been a real emergency, I would be instructed that my "head is THIS big! HAHAHAHA..."

Brian

PS. Just so you don't get the wrong idea, the two shorter friends at dinner are some of our favorite Emergency Broadcast Children. We always enjoy seeing the entire family, both sides, the taller and the effervescent.

Medical Mal-pricing

As some of you know, I broke my arm a few weeks ago.

(For those interested in that story, see the post entitled: "In a beautifully choreographed ...")

There are important life lessons to be learned from this experience, namely: Don't anger the Emergency Room staff.

Let me explain. I did not go with a plan to anger the staff, there was no premeditation. Instead, a few hours after the accident, I went to the ER in a relatively calm manner.

At this point the alert reader will note I did not go to the ER right away. Why? (Husbands, world wide, already know the answer.) I had to clean the mess I made before my wife got home.

Anyway, expecting to wait 2 or 3 eons before I would be seen by medically inclined people at the ER, I brought a book to read. Surprisingly, I was admitted immediately. But it was a ploy, the ER people had developed new places to wait, inside the treatment area.

Periodically, medically inclined people would stop by and administer medical things in my general direction, sometimes directly at me. ("A proctology exam??! ... It's my arm! MY ARM!") Mostly, I was waiting with other people in the middle of the ER.

Every once in a while, announced over the loudspeaker, someone who needed more immediate medical attention, (e.g. "Code Yellow", serious but stable), would arrive "by air", i.e. helicopter. Otherwise, after they get those folk stabilized, there was just more waiting.

It was only later did I realize that important decisions I made earlier in life, would affect the the outcome of my current situation. And when I say "important decisions", I mean, picking the appropriate book to read in an ER.

- - - -

I chose to bring a book by the literary giant, Dave "Will Shakespeare" Barry, known to many for his deep, thoughtful, and carefully crafted booger jokes. He writes more than booger jokes; sometimes he ignites strawberry pop tarts and sometimes he explodes toilets. So, he is a true renaissance man.

If you have read any of his material, you may know that you will uncontrollably, and sometimes loudly, snort milk out of your nose. Fortunately, I wasn't drinking milk. But I found myself accidentally laughing loudly, very loudly.

- - - -

While reading the Dave Barry book, I had an outburst of uncontrollable laughing. It was poorly timed. Below is an unre-touched transcript based on the actual event.

Loudspeaker: Code Yellow, by air, 4 minutes
Me: BWAAAAA HA HA HA HA, .... HA HA ....
Families, Patients & ER Staff: (Really loud & stern glaring. Directly at me.)

I did not realize that this faux pas (from the French, faux meaning 'idiot', pas meaning 'says something stupid, out loud.'), would be recorded in my 'Permanent Record'. Yes, the very same 'Permanent Record' that has been in existence since elementary school. In which, every teacher told you, your every misdeed would be recorded. "Brian! That's going on your 'Permanent Record'!"

Apparently, I had a new entry.

Shortly after this, the ER People did some more medical things at me, referred me to a orthopedist, then shoved me out of the ER with a temporary splint. Apparently, they did not want "my kind" hanging around. "Look at his 'Permanent Record', let's discharge him."

- - - -

After a couple of days of waiting, I was able to see an orthopedist for approximately 37.3 seconds.

His entire conversation with me consisted of:
1) An unintelligible mumble, which translated as, "I don't want to be here, I'd rather be golfing".
2) "You have a break, these heal", which translated as, "You have a break, these heal".

Just kidding, he used a few additional words. But not many. Because it was a clean break, apparently a text-book "night stick wound", I did not need a full cast and was prescribed a brace. See image below.

Ultimately, I had to "co"-pay $165 USD for my brace, (which equals: £82 GBP, €121 EUR, ¥19,213,420,370,841 YEN) . I'm not sure, but I believe my 'Permanent Record' affected the rate of my "co"-pay for the brace

Also, I believe my insurance company had to pay only 3 cents. They haven't paid yet; they are still on the floor laughing because I actually paid the $165.

- - - -

Medical administrator: I need pre-authorization for a forearm brace.
Insurance claims person: A forearm brace? Sure. ... Wait! Look at his 'Permanent Record' ! I'm only authorizing 3 cents for him. HA HA HA! Have the stooge, I mean the client, "co" pay the balance. HA HA HA HA ...

- - - -

In my humble opinion, $165 is expensive for a piece of mass produced plastic. But I have no one to blame except for my 'Permanent Record'.

Next time I plan to break my arm, I may go to a witch doctor instead. I think that costs only three chickens. Or, I may go to a new-age crystal healing person, that way, they could bill my aura. I've seen my aura's bank statement, he's flush in aura money, and he has a better 'Permanent Record'.

Brian

PS. This is a joke image, you can't actually buy a forearm brace on a TV shopping channel. Who would want to?

PPS. hmmm.....However, shortly, you be may lucky enough to buy this beauty on ebay. It's a one of a kind, exquisite, 'work of art'. I'm sad to part with it. Minimum bid: $165.


(c) 2007

In a beautifully choreographed ...

In a beautifully choreographed, meticulously executed, oh-so-graceful move, I accidentally broke my left arm.

But all was not lost. Because of my left arm's sacrifice and, from years of practice, subconsciously, I was able to save most of what was in my right hand, a Healthy Choice brand 'Sweet Bourbon Steak', TV dinner, recently microwaved.

I suppose I looked like an American Football player sprawled on the ground, with his hand in the air, grasping the football to show he had caught the winning touchdown pass. Except, he would be holding a microwaveable TV dinner... and ... he would be on my staircase ... and ... he would be thinking that his socks were pretty slippery.

But he would have been proud that the TV dinner was saved. Well, most of it.

The rest of my TV dinner was artfully decorating part of my wall. (Jackson Pollock. Ha! He's called an abstract expressionist? Ha! He has nothing compared to my creation! I bet he had never expressed Garlic Mashed Potatoes!)

- - - - -

Before you think I'm only focused on the food, let me just say, recently I've taken up a sport - the great game of Golf. When people see me golf, they usually say I remind them of Tiger Woods, if he were to have John Daly's physique, and if missing the golf ball on the down stroke was okay. Actually, I'm not as bad as John Daly, but my wife can tell you that I'm trying.

At this point, the alert readers may say:
1) Ah-ha! A wife! Why would she let me, a circumferentially growing boy, eat TV dinners?
2) Why would such a beautiful creature marry a goober like me?
Let me just respond to each:
1) My wife was visiting her sister for the weekend.
I was left home. Alone. Unsupervised.
2) I don't know.

- - - - -

I have learned the difficulty of having full use of only one hand. Although, there are some things that aren't as difficult as I imagined:

• Typing on my Blackberry - not too difficult,
• Driving - not too bad,
• Typing on my Blackberry while I'm driving in heavy traffic - not easy, do-able, but I'm practicing. (Just kidding; I would never, ever do that and publicly admit to it. Instead, I would just tell you I was kidding. Um...I've said too much.)
  
• Socks - not too bad,
• shirts - not too bad, and
  
• I've convinced my firm that I'm just wearing loafers and I'm not wearing a tie again until the cast/splint is off.

Anyway, all of this is relatively easy with only one hand, especially when it's compared to the most difficult task that I've found: buttoning my suit trousers.

Two days ago, I may have spent 10 minutes trying to button my trousers with my one available hand in a men's room stall at my firm. I was banging from side to side, making an awful racket. A couple of times, I heard footsteps of someone entering the mens room. Both times, I heard them stop, then turn, and scamper out.

I don't remember exactly, but I could have been grunting slightly while I was attempting to button my trousers. Really, I am not making this up. Had I heard all of that from a men's room stall, I would have scampered, too. I dare YOU to try to put on your suit pants with one hand in your company's rest room !

- - - - -

So, in closing, after two days of having full use of only my right arm, I have learned important lessons and come to appreciate important aspects of my world around me, namely, my left arm.

Brian

You can tell a lot about someone by the way they say "Good-bye"

You can tell a lot about someone by the way they leave for an errand or leave for work and say "good bye". For example, my wife, who is very efficient, will be the first to leave the house.

This is because her work schedule starts earlier in the day than mine, primarily due to the life-balance, technical fact that I'm lazy. So, when she leaves for work in the morning, I may still be preparing for my busy day, typically in a supine position.

At that time, she may sit on the 4-Post, Queen-Sized Preparation Area, next to where I'm still preparing, and lean over to chat with me about the day. Because, I'm typically still in my diligent preparation phase for the day, I'll manage to look at her with only one eye, because the other eye is closed so it can focus on continuing the preparation activities.

So, we chat, and then she kisses me, and says good-bye and that she'll be back at her usual time, which is only 2 or 3 hours after her colleagues leave their offices for the evening. For me, that translates.... um... let me get my calculator....yes ... about 4 or 5 hours after I stop working for the day.

Anyway, you may have drifted from my point. Here is my point. After she makes up her side of the 4-Post, Queen-Sized Preparation Area, she efficiently leaves the room where I was still preparing. But, she actually doesn't leave the house. She says "good-bye", but doesn't leave the house. She just leaves the room, where I've probably fallen soundly into preparation, and she goes downstairs.

This is where, in my Preparation Area #2 of our facility, she may have breakfast.

Because of the differences in our work schedules for the aforementioned reason, I haven't been able to coordinate our schedules to actually see what she's doing outside of Preparation Area #1, where I've rolled to another position of preparation. Regardless, she's probably doing something efficient, charitable, work-related, or frequently, all of the above, as well as, the chores for the next three weeks.

After a half-hour or so, I may hear the downstairs door open, close, then dead-bolted in a very efficient manner.

Anyway, you may have drifted away from my point again. My point is that my wife chooses to efficiently say good bye while she is upstairs. She could have waited till she completed all of the other efficient activities in the morning, then return upstairs, say good-bye, go back downstairs, then leave the house. But that's not very efficient.

I'm not complaining at all, I wouldn't want her to change anything, and, like most everything about her, I admire her efficiency, too.

Besides, probably, I'm back in deep preparation by then.

Brian

Premeditated Stupidity

When other people break their cameras, it's usually an accident. These normal people accidentally break their camera in normal ways - drop it on the floor, drop it in the vat of guacamole, drop it out of the helicopter - you see, perfectly normal accidents.

Sadly, my camera's demise was not an accident in a normal sense. My camera's demise was a self-inflicted, but fatal camera-wound.

Sometimes these normal people lament that their accident was partially self-inflicted or 'they saw it coming, and they could have avoided it'.

Regardless, they should not award themselves the dolt of the year awards, yet. I think I'm the bigger dolt, and may be able to out dolt them for this year's award.

On the other hand, if the accident was completely out of their control, then, they have no chance and I'm a shoo-in to win the dolt of the year award.

Like a tv series you may have watched recently, based on actual events, the following takes place between the minutes of 6:23pm and 6:31pm, a couple of months ago ... give or take.

Heres my account.

- - - -

As some may know transferring images from my camera to an iPod through the iPod Camera Connector is painfully slow. (For you non-camera people, just pretend what I said makes sense)

Well, in one of my infrequent bouts of lucidity, I thought I should provide A/C power to preclude my camera's battery from draining.

"You're pretty smart, Brian" I said to myself. Ironically, I didn't remember where I put the original A/C adapter....

I thought, "No worries. I'll just use my trusty iGo universal a/c power adapter"

Tickled with my oh-so-smart-work-around, I quickly assembled the power adapter.

Once assembled, I proudly thought, "Power Problem solved, I'm brilliant." Which, at this point, I recovered from the temporal bout of lucidity, back to my normal self.

Unsupervised, I continued, "Well, good, the power adapter tip fits the camera ...hmmm... I wonder what this little plus symbol thingy means? I'll just plug it in and see if it works"

- - - -

Have you heard the piece of wisdom, "Pride comes before a fall"?

In this case, pride came before an almost inaudible 'pffffttt' sound
... and a very bright, but brief flash from my camera's rear LCD.

"Note to self: When using a power adapter, check polarity of the adapter tip."

- - - -


Sometimes, normal people lose their photographic equipment in some brief but catastrophic instance. Sometimes, they feel they may have been able to avoid their demise. If so, they may be able to get a lesser charge. Or, perhaps they were innocent bystanders.

Unlike their incidents, I did not stand by innocently on anything.

Nor would I be eligible for the lesser "negligent camera-cide" charge.

Nope. My camera's heinous demise was calculated and careful.

My camera's demise was premeditated stupidity.

(c) 2007

It's 10PM. Do you know where your photos are?

Recently, someone asked the question if I secretly take photographs of people in public or am I overt about my photography. He phrased that question this way, "Do you steal pictures or take them?"

His question lead me to think of this topic. You may ask - What was the brilliant sequitur that led from his question to your topic "It's 10PM. Do you know where your photos are"?
Well, it's not hard to answer: I have the attention span of a gnat.

- - - -

When the gentleman used the phrase of "stealing pictures", I realized I stole other people’s pictures.

You may ask - What do you mean by "stealing other people’s pictures"?

Well, I'm glad you asked. You know, sneak into their house at night, and grab their Compact Flash Memory cards, the photos off of the wall, too. Just kidding.

What I really mean - those times when I notice somebody figured out a great vantage point to compose a presumably great image.

In such cases, I just wait, pretending to be interested in something else, "Oh look! A new menu item on my camera! How Exciting!"

But as soon as they leave, I run to their spot and clik, clik, clik....

Then, after my completely random shots, I calm down and actually try using my underused brain to figure exactly what they were composing.

I believe this compulsion is diagnosed as "Shot-Kleptomania".

I didn't compose that shot. It was somebody else's; I'm just a copy cat. It all makes me feel guilty, but not enough to stop. Yep. Textbook case of Shot-kleptomania.

- - - -

As a matter of fact, while I'm confessing, I think I've stolen shots right out of travel guides, too!

- The cliché shot from Carlton Hill looking over Edinburgh - Yep. Did It.

- cliché shot from Notre Dame, “cleverly” looking with the Gargoyle over Paris. Yep. Copied that too.

- cliché shot from the volcano looking down at Waikiki. Yep. I'm so shameless.

- Oh! I have years of the Thomas Jefferson memorial that is so-cleverly-framed-by-the-cherry-blossoms.
Same shot, different year. Yawn.

I have no idea who first took that shot years ago, but I'm compelled to take that same ...[yawn], excuse me....take the that same shot every year. What's with me?!

- - - -

I know I'm not alone in this. So 'fess-up and here are my questions for you:

Does everyone suffer from CSC (Cliché shot compulsion), like me?
Does everyone suffer from Shot-Kleptomania as I do?
Finally, what do you do to get something unique?
Please tell me, so I can copy it. ..... Ugh! ..... This is bad, I can't stop!

(c) 2007

Blackberry Anonymous

Periodically, you may see me at a Starbucks before work, sipping my latte, business-section of our local paper tucked under my arm, reading my Blackberry, apparently doing something high-powered and important. Not true. I'm really surfing the internet, looking for info on the latest gadgets, checking scores on ESPN, playing Sudoku, or other not very important nor high-powered activities.

Sometimes my colleagues, also at the same Starbucks, see me "diligently working", which causes them to start "diligently" reviewing the contents of their Blackberry, apparently something high-powered and important.

In reality, they are doing exactly what I am doing ... surfing the internet, playing games, and other not very important nor high-powered activities.

Warning! Not suited for children under 85
Graphic scenes of Blackberry Addiction

If you have an addiction prone personality, don't get a Blackberry. Really, don't do it.

The Blackberry addiction is why we Blackberry junkies call them "crackberrys". The Blackberry addiction is a secret and dark world, known only to other "berry-heads". Sometimes, you may hear us use certain code phrases to other junkies like, "I'm going out for some 'juice'. Do you need some?" In the world of Blackberry junkies, this means, "Lets get 'juiced' on our Blackberrys".

Frequently, you can find us behind dumpsters of even the most prestigious firms, shaking in the cold, typing on our Blackberrys, mumbling to ourselves. It's sad, really.

Don't let those pinstripes fool you, even the most respectable looking professional can be an addict crying out for help.

Is someone you love a Blackberry Addict?

If you suspect that one of your family members may be a 'berry-head' there are certain tell-tale signs you should monitor.

1) Watch how they handle small objects in your house. Do they grab these objects with both hands and repeatedly tap the object with their thumbs? This is particularly true of small pets and children. Does this behavior seem to be subconscious, as if the berry-head doesn't realize he or she is doing it?

2) Listen for phrases indicative of a Blackberry addiction. For example, you may ask that the 'berry-head' call you on your phone; the berry-head my slip and say, "Sure, I'll "PIN" you".

3) Look for physical effects of the Blackberry addiction. Check the tips of their thumbs. Calluses on the thumbs don't lie. Little "Johnny Professional" is really little "Johnny Berry-head".

Help a berry-head become free from the pain

Next time you see a 'berry-head' on the subway/tube/metro/bus getting their "juice", that is, getting their Blackberry fix, help them. Such flagrant public use of a Blackberry is their cry for help. It's your moral obligation to knock the Blackberry to the floor and stamp on it.

You will be doing them a favor. On the outside, they may be turning red and shouting, but on the inside, they are very grateful that someone cares; they are relieved someone has freed them from the addiction.

Public Service Announcement #20
Sponsored by the Blackberry Freedom Foundation

(c) 2007

Guys guide to prepare for PMA: Diamonds, Dinner, & Flowers

There are two events that occur that send shock waves throughout the Camera enthusiast world, Photokina which happens every other year, and the PMA which occurs annually. Each of these international conferences/trade shows/pilgrimages are used by Photographic equipment manufactures such as Nikon, Canon, & now Sony to introduce their new wares.

The manufacturers use 'leaks', pre-show announcements, pre-show demo's in order to build the buzz. In the minds of the enthusiasts, these new products quickly transform into their own Grails. Consequently, the enthusiasts focus almost all of their energy into anticipating, predicting, and planning their acquisitions on their new objet du désir. To the enthusiast, this enveloping preoccupation can be to the exclusion non-essentials such as bread or water.

I wrote the below entry in a renown & global digital photography forum called www.dpreview.com.


Guys,

As you know, one of our own special holidays is just around the corner. That's right, the Glorious Days-of-PMA Festival, also known to some merely as "PMA".


Perhaps like you, during such time, I wonder if I've been good enough so that when Mr. Sony Claus or Mr. Santa Canon visit during PMA season, I'll get more than coal. So to make sure we don't get coal during the PMA season, now is the time to prepare.

Some may ask, "How do we prepare for the Glorious Days-of-PMA Festival"? Here I will give my guidance to the Men of dpreview.com. Women of dpreview should shield their eyes and, for their own sakes, not read the following.

Men, we prepare for this important holiday, the Glorious Days-of-PMA Festival, with a little investment in one of the lesser known holidays. Here I speak of "Valentines Day".

Although this lesser holiday often passes the photographic gadget lover with out notice, it is important to fulfill the requirements of this so-called Valentines Day.

**"Why?", you may ask. Because, in order to earn the right to the new camera and PMA ...(Here Is The Secret)... we must fully satisfy the traditional Valentines Day requirements.

Moreover, nota bene, this so-called Valentines Day, unlike the other holidays, requires work on our part. There is no grace here.

Before I detail the preparation for the Glorious Days-of-PMA Festival, let me address the skeptics and unbelievers for a moment.

Perhaps you don't believe that Valentines Day even exists, as once I didn't believe. Well, my gracious wife of... um ... 8... no, wait ...um...9 years carefully and gently pointed out this holiday on an official Hallmark(c) calendar. There it was, in plain pink and white writing; smack-dab in the middle of a perfectly good workweek. Wednesday, 14th of February, 2007 is, in fact, "Valentines Day"

Although the history of Valentines Day is shrouded in a bit of mystery it somehow relates to martyrdom on the 14th of Feb. This makes sense to me, since husbands and boyfriends have to do most of the work on this holiday. (Which I'm told does not nearly make up for the remaining 364 days of the year)
Anyway, back to preparation for the Glorious Days-of-PMA Festival.

Men, the important things to note are the traditional Valentines Day requirements that are placed on the shoulders of photographic gadget lovers.
Why?
As I said earlier -

In order to earn the right to the new camera...[ raise your hand and repeat after me ]... "We must fully satisfy the traditional Valentines Day requirements." [OK, say it again...stop..OK...put your hand down...close enough. ]

In order to earn the right to the new camera & trip to PMA you may ask, "What are those traditional V-day requirements"? Well, I'm glad you asked.
They are:
1) GIFTS
2) FLOWERS & CHOCOLATE (which I have been taught are not gifts)
3) TIME WITH YOU (which still is a mystery to me)
4) THOUGHTFULNESS (in all the above.)

Below are the preparation instructions & some explanations.

1) GIFTS
1.1) You will buy a gift for your spouse/girlfriend/co-signer/better-half.
1.2) You will be thoughtful in your gift, which means that,
1.3) You will not buy something from your wish list, instead,
1.4) You will buy a gift that she really wants.
1.4.1) She may have been hinting at this since early Jan.
1.4.2) If, like me sometimes, you weren't really listening, you may:
1.4.2.1) ask her sister or
1.4.2.2) ask one of her friends, (except the slutty one).
(I have asked her sister, and it helped). Regardless,
1.5) You must have the gift by COB Tuesday.
EXPLANATION: It is expected that photographic and other gadget lovers, for this day, ** will NOT ** spend money on their collection of gadgets, photographic supplies, cables, lens, filters, software, lighting supplies, tripods, mono-pods etc. As shocking as this sounds, your wish list is 'streng verboten'.

2) FLOWERS & CHOCOLATE
2.1) 12 Red Long-stem Roses, plus,
2.2) The other type of flower she really likes anyways.
2.3) You will buy Chocolate - something:
2.3.1) with a fancy name,
2.3.2) in fancy packaging,
2.3.3) from a fancy store.
EXPLANATION: M&Ms are great for you, not for her. This has to do with her sense of portions. If she eats just one, she does not consider herself to be bad. So, you can help her to find a way to eat as many "just ones" as possible. Boxes with individually placed / wrapped chocolates is such a mechanism for her to eat "just one" through the entire box.

3) TIME WITH YOU.
3.1) Yuck.
3.2) Eeeuuuw.
EXPLANATION: Why would someone want to spend time with you or with me? Now, wanting to spend time with my beautiful wife, that, I understand. Anyway, plan on at least dinner...make it, if you have skills. Or, go to a really cool place you know. She may have already hinted. If all is going to plan, and you really want to earn that camera ... go to a different, but equally cool place for dessert.

4) THOUGHTFULNESS (in all the above.)
4.1) Start planning your work today!
4.2) Start working your plan tomorrow!
EXPLANATION: All of this must be as carefully thought out as you have with your predictions on the new camera models and their corresponding names.

BOTTOM-LINE.

Men, look at the names on the forum list, I don't expect all of you will make it through Valentines Day successfully.

However for the few of you that will do the right thing and prevail, here is the bottom-line: If you have accomplished your Valentines Day mission competently, you MAY, at the end of the complete & successful Valentines Day regimen, mention only one thing about the Glorious Days-of-PMA Festival.

At the end of the day, when it is quiet, when the Valentines Day mission is a success, and you are close to each other, you can say only this one thing - You may say, "We should go somewhere in March."


Men, good luck on your mission.



brian

Public office qualification requirements include ...

Not hiring illegal aliens. Moreover, I have been told that my mantra should be "Don't go to Jail".

However, due to recent trends, I have received conflicting advice. Or, as the politicians say, "a refinement of their position".

You may wonder what type of trends would cause a flip/flop...um...er....I meant to say, would cause a 'refinement' of an upstanding citizen's advice.

Perhaps it's the recent immigration bill, perhaps there were recent grass root protests, perhaps some other national political trend. Or, perhaps an issue closer to home, such as the fading facade of our moral character.

If you perceived the last item is most likely; you are correct.

As a matter of fact, it is not just close to home. The issue is the home. Specifically, the fading facade of the metal siding's character.

Yes. Like you, I am shocked, too.... "Shocked ! Shocked!", I say.

How could painting our aluminum siding corrupt such moral fortitude? Is the fading aluminum a morality play on our fading facade of our character?

Moreover...

Hang on.


"Paint-o el Side-o .... el SIDE-O ... THE el SIDE-O !!"*


Sorry, I had to give our day laborer some direction.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, now I remember.

.... Moreover, how could someone express one set of values, yet live a different set of values !?

How could someone be that hypocritical ?!

I will never know.





*Although, I am ugly and an American. I am not the ugly American parodied in the above post.
No day laborers were harmed in the making of this blog.




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