mul·li·gan

Dictionary.com defines a mulligan as "a golf shot not tallied against the score, granted in informal play after a poor shot especially from the tee. "

Well, my score was still 1,357,892, and you didn't think a golf score could be that high! Neither did the other three players in my foursome. They were better than saints and had an abundance of patience!

Blokus...not just for 3 year olds

Our 4 1/2 and almost 3 year old friends taught us a new game. Admittedly, they always have a little assistance in playing. But, I have to admit that this game is slightly addictive. Perhaps it brings out the competitive nature in me. I recently picked up the hexagonal version of Blokus (the original is a square).

The purpose of the game is for each player to place his/her 22 pieces on the board (or at least the maximum number of pieces).

The game ends when a player is blocked and can no longer place any pieces on the board, s/he must miss his/her turn. The other players continue in the normal order of play until no one can place any more pieces on the board.

Medical Mal-pricing

As some of you know, I broke my arm a few weeks ago.

(For those interested in that story, see the post entitled: "In a beautifully choreographed ...")

There are important life lessons to be learned from this experience, namely: Don't anger the Emergency Room staff.

Let me explain. I did not go with a plan to anger the staff, there was no premeditation. Instead, a few hours after the accident, I went to the ER in a relatively calm manner.

At this point the alert reader will note I did not go to the ER right away. Why? (Husbands, world wide, already know the answer.) I had to clean the mess I made before my wife got home.

Anyway, expecting to wait 2 or 3 eons before I would be seen by medically inclined people at the ER, I brought a book to read. Surprisingly, I was admitted immediately. But it was a ploy, the ER people had developed new places to wait, inside the treatment area.

Periodically, medically inclined people would stop by and administer medical things in my general direction, sometimes directly at me. ("A proctology exam??! ... It's my arm! MY ARM!") Mostly, I was waiting with other people in the middle of the ER.

Every once in a while, announced over the loudspeaker, someone who needed more immediate medical attention, (e.g. "Code Yellow", serious but stable), would arrive "by air", i.e. helicopter. Otherwise, after they get those folk stabilized, there was just more waiting.

It was only later did I realize that important decisions I made earlier in life, would affect the the outcome of my current situation. And when I say "important decisions", I mean, picking the appropriate book to read in an ER.

- - - -

I chose to bring a book by the literary giant, Dave "Will Shakespeare" Barry, known to many for his deep, thoughtful, and carefully crafted booger jokes. He writes more than booger jokes; sometimes he ignites strawberry pop tarts and sometimes he explodes toilets. So, he is a true renaissance man.

If you have read any of his material, you may know that you will uncontrollably, and sometimes loudly, snort milk out of your nose. Fortunately, I wasn't drinking milk. But I found myself accidentally laughing loudly, very loudly.

- - - -

While reading the Dave Barry book, I had an outburst of uncontrollable laughing. It was poorly timed. Below is an unre-touched transcript based on the actual event.

Loudspeaker: Code Yellow, by air, 4 minutes
Me: BWAAAAA HA HA HA HA, .... HA HA ....
Families, Patients & ER Staff: (Really loud & stern glaring. Directly at me.)

I did not realize that this faux pas (from the French, faux meaning 'idiot', pas meaning 'says something stupid, out loud.'), would be recorded in my 'Permanent Record'. Yes, the very same 'Permanent Record' that has been in existence since elementary school. In which, every teacher told you, your every misdeed would be recorded. "Brian! That's going on your 'Permanent Record'!"

Apparently, I had a new entry.

Shortly after this, the ER People did some more medical things at me, referred me to a orthopedist, then shoved me out of the ER with a temporary splint. Apparently, they did not want "my kind" hanging around. "Look at his 'Permanent Record', let's discharge him."

- - - -

After a couple of days of waiting, I was able to see an orthopedist for approximately 37.3 seconds.

His entire conversation with me consisted of:
1) An unintelligible mumble, which translated as, "I don't want to be here, I'd rather be golfing".
2) "You have a break, these heal", which translated as, "You have a break, these heal".

Just kidding, he used a few additional words. But not many. Because it was a clean break, apparently a text-book "night stick wound", I did not need a full cast and was prescribed a brace. See image below.

Ultimately, I had to "co"-pay $165 USD for my brace, (which equals: £82 GBP, €121 EUR, ¥19,213,420,370,841 YEN) . I'm not sure, but I believe my 'Permanent Record' affected the rate of my "co"-pay for the brace

Also, I believe my insurance company had to pay only 3 cents. They haven't paid yet; they are still on the floor laughing because I actually paid the $165.

- - - -

Medical administrator: I need pre-authorization for a forearm brace.
Insurance claims person: A forearm brace? Sure. ... Wait! Look at his 'Permanent Record' ! I'm only authorizing 3 cents for him. HA HA HA! Have the stooge, I mean the client, "co" pay the balance. HA HA HA HA ...

- - - -

In my humble opinion, $165 is expensive for a piece of mass produced plastic. But I have no one to blame except for my 'Permanent Record'.

Next time I plan to break my arm, I may go to a witch doctor instead. I think that costs only three chickens. Or, I may go to a new-age crystal healing person, that way, they could bill my aura. I've seen my aura's bank statement, he's flush in aura money, and he has a better 'Permanent Record'.

Brian

PS. This is a joke image, you can't actually buy a forearm brace on a TV shopping channel. Who would want to?

PPS. hmmm.....However, shortly, you be may lucky enough to buy this beauty on ebay. It's a one of a kind, exquisite, 'work of art'. I'm sad to part with it. Minimum bid: $165.


(c) 2007

All in Perspective

Every year, Beloit College in Beloit, WI, publishes its Mindset List of 70 items that "provide a look at the cultural touchstones that have shaped the lives of today’s first-year [college] students."

Here's a few highlights for the class of 2011.

• They never “rolled down” a car window.
• Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
• Pete Rose has never played baseball.
• Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
• Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
• Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
• U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
• Fox has always been a major network.
• They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
• The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
• Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
• Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
• Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
• MTV has never featured music videos.
• The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
• They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
• They’re always texting 1 n other.
• They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
• The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
• Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.

Complete Mindset List

Do Not Call the ASPCA or PETA

Statement: Mid-Atlantic Squirrels are not as smart as Squirrels in the Midwest.

Proof: How do I know this? Because, you see a significantly larger number of roadkill squirrels.

Reason: My theory is that winters are not cold enough in the Mid-Atlantic region to sufficiently naturally select the smarter of the bunch.

Now, before, you get upset or send the ASPCA after me or call PETA, please understand that I have no ill-will for the furry, little mammal. Really. I grew up where mosquitoes are the state bird; Bambi could be dinner; Nemo is caught through a hole from one of 10,000 frozen lakes; home to Blatz, Schlitz and Pabst; where real football is played outside on the frozen tundra; and where lutefisk isn't just for breakfast any more.

Truly, I like them. They provide plenty of entertainment for our squirrel-proof bird feeders. And, we even feed them corn from a squngee (very entertaining!).

What the cars fail to select, the red fox in our neighbor's bush completes.

Grace via Hummingbird

(photo by ©Dan True from hummingbirds.net)

Off and on all summer I have put out my hummingbird feeder. However, to no avail. I put out the feeder later than normal in the season or perhaps it was nesting season.

This morning, I thought I'd try it again and put it out before going to church. As I pulled into the driveway, I looked toward the backyard and saw a hummingbird hovering and then head toward the feeder. Since then I've seen as many as two hummingbirds together at the feeder.

It's what I needed to see today.

In a beautifully choreographed ...

In a beautifully choreographed, meticulously executed, oh-so-graceful move, I accidentally broke my left arm.

But all was not lost. Because of my left arm's sacrifice and, from years of practice, subconsciously, I was able to save most of what was in my right hand, a Healthy Choice brand 'Sweet Bourbon Steak', TV dinner, recently microwaved.

I suppose I looked like an American Football player sprawled on the ground, with his hand in the air, grasping the football to show he had caught the winning touchdown pass. Except, he would be holding a microwaveable TV dinner... and ... he would be on my staircase ... and ... he would be thinking that his socks were pretty slippery.

But he would have been proud that the TV dinner was saved. Well, most of it.

The rest of my TV dinner was artfully decorating part of my wall. (Jackson Pollock. Ha! He's called an abstract expressionist? Ha! He has nothing compared to my creation! I bet he had never expressed Garlic Mashed Potatoes!)

- - - - -

Before you think I'm only focused on the food, let me just say, recently I've taken up a sport - the great game of Golf. When people see me golf, they usually say I remind them of Tiger Woods, if he were to have John Daly's physique, and if missing the golf ball on the down stroke was okay. Actually, I'm not as bad as John Daly, but my wife can tell you that I'm trying.

At this point, the alert readers may say:
1) Ah-ha! A wife! Why would she let me, a circumferentially growing boy, eat TV dinners?
2) Why would such a beautiful creature marry a goober like me?
Let me just respond to each:
1) My wife was visiting her sister for the weekend.
I was left home. Alone. Unsupervised.
2) I don't know.

- - - - -

I have learned the difficulty of having full use of only one hand. Although, there are some things that aren't as difficult as I imagined:

• Typing on my Blackberry - not too difficult,
• Driving - not too bad,
• Typing on my Blackberry while I'm driving in heavy traffic - not easy, do-able, but I'm practicing. (Just kidding; I would never, ever do that and publicly admit to it. Instead, I would just tell you I was kidding. Um...I've said too much.)
  
• Socks - not too bad,
• shirts - not too bad, and
  
• I've convinced my firm that I'm just wearing loafers and I'm not wearing a tie again until the cast/splint is off.

Anyway, all of this is relatively easy with only one hand, especially when it's compared to the most difficult task that I've found: buttoning my suit trousers.

Two days ago, I may have spent 10 minutes trying to button my trousers with my one available hand in a men's room stall at my firm. I was banging from side to side, making an awful racket. A couple of times, I heard footsteps of someone entering the mens room. Both times, I heard them stop, then turn, and scamper out.

I don't remember exactly, but I could have been grunting slightly while I was attempting to button my trousers. Really, I am not making this up. Had I heard all of that from a men's room stall, I would have scampered, too. I dare YOU to try to put on your suit pants with one hand in your company's rest room !

- - - - -

So, in closing, after two days of having full use of only my right arm, I have learned important lessons and come to appreciate important aspects of my world around me, namely, my left arm.

Brian

Up-set

A work team outing found us at today's Legg Mason Tennis Classic quarterfinals where we saw the 6’9”, NCAA top-seeded John Isner from the University of Georgia defeat the Number 2 seed, Tommy Haas.

Thoughts and Prayers

Our thoughts and prayers go out to those touched by the Minneapolis bridge collapse. As a Minneapolis-native, my thoughts immediately went to family members and friends that live there.

San Diego

What I enjoyed about San Diego:

• Visiting my aunt and uncle
• Running into a cousin whom I hadn't seen in nine years and his wife, whom I hadn't met before
• Playing golf at Aviara
• Staying at the Four Seasons (what's not to enjoy!)
• Jamba Juice (it's always a treat when I visit New York or California)
• Gaslamp Quarter
• Walking the streets of San Diego while Comic-Con is in town - I've never seen so many light sabers in my life! (who are these people and where do they find the time!)
• Seeing the Mexico border
• There's nothing like coming over a hill and seeing the vast Pacific coast

Fore!

This is a warning to any creature with two or more legs, we have recently taken up golf. After taking lessons more than five years ago, a friend who is currently taking lessons convinced us to venture out on to the course.

Needless to say, we are having a blast. Our area has some lovely regional nine-hole golf courses. A great place to learn and not feel completely overwhelmed.

However, when we need to feel completely overwhelmed, we can play at courses like we did this past weekend. We were in San Diego and played at the Arnold Palmer designed course at the Four Seasons Resort Aviara Golf Club.

Honoured in 2006 as Golf Magazine's number one golf resort in Southern California, and as Condé Nast Traveler readers' number one golf resort on the West Coast, Four Seasons Resort Aviara Golf Club offers superb golf facilities. Its memorable coastal layout – par 72 over 18 holes and 7,007 yards – was designed by Arnold Palmer. The course is sculpted around natural topography, with water hazards positioned as visual extensions of the lagoon. The club includes a 32,000-square-foot (3,000-square-metre), two-storey Spanish colonial clubhouse with a complete golf shop. Read more

Seventeen balls later, we still had fun and hadn't killed, marred or injured anyone including ourselves. Brian says we really got our money's worth as we had enough shots for 36 holes! By the way, I single-handedly lost three balls at the hole pictured here.

What comes after triple bogey?

You can tell a lot about someone by the way they say "Good-bye"

You can tell a lot about someone by the way they leave for an errand or leave for work and say "good bye". For example, my wife, who is very efficient, will be the first to leave the house.

This is because her work schedule starts earlier in the day than mine, primarily due to the life-balance, technical fact that I'm lazy. So, when she leaves for work in the morning, I may still be preparing for my busy day, typically in a supine position.

At that time, she may sit on the 4-Post, Queen-Sized Preparation Area, next to where I'm still preparing, and lean over to chat with me about the day. Because, I'm typically still in my diligent preparation phase for the day, I'll manage to look at her with only one eye, because the other eye is closed so it can focus on continuing the preparation activities.

So, we chat, and then she kisses me, and says good-bye and that she'll be back at her usual time, which is only 2 or 3 hours after her colleagues leave their offices for the evening. For me, that translates.... um... let me get my calculator....yes ... about 4 or 5 hours after I stop working for the day.

Anyway, you may have drifted from my point. Here is my point. After she makes up her side of the 4-Post, Queen-Sized Preparation Area, she efficiently leaves the room where I was still preparing. But, she actually doesn't leave the house. She says "good-bye", but doesn't leave the house. She just leaves the room, where I've probably fallen soundly into preparation, and she goes downstairs.

This is where, in my Preparation Area #2 of our facility, she may have breakfast.

Because of the differences in our work schedules for the aforementioned reason, I haven't been able to coordinate our schedules to actually see what she's doing outside of Preparation Area #1, where I've rolled to another position of preparation. Regardless, she's probably doing something efficient, charitable, work-related, or frequently, all of the above, as well as, the chores for the next three weeks.

After a half-hour or so, I may hear the downstairs door open, close, then dead-bolted in a very efficient manner.

Anyway, you may have drifted away from my point again. My point is that my wife chooses to efficiently say good bye while she is upstairs. She could have waited till she completed all of the other efficient activities in the morning, then return upstairs, say good-bye, go back downstairs, then leave the house. But that's not very efficient.

I'm not complaining at all, I wouldn't want her to change anything, and, like most everything about her, I admire her efficiency, too.

Besides, probably, I'm back in deep preparation by then.

Brian

Happy Independence Day!

No ER visits as a result of the slip 'n slide or the firecrackers; a friend's death-by-chocolate, caramel and extra cocoa, yummy brownies; the brand new grill initiation and an afternoon spent with friends. Despite a downpour and a few thunderstorms, we had a great 4th. Hope you did too!

The Hazy Days of Summer

Flying into New York this week, I was looking out the window and could barely make out the profile of the city. You could tell it was a city, but it was hard to distinguish the major characteristics of the city. Like a sheer veil of clouds that had settled over the city. It made it look rather mysterious. Such an enigma to be explored.

Gullible as a Squirrel

A squirrel can find a bird feeder within 100 miles. Needless to say, our bird feeders and the birds trying to feed at them have been tormented by many a squirrel.

Last month, when we were in the Mall of America in Minnesota, we walked by the Wild Bird Store and saw a feeder by Droll Yankees, called the Yankee Flipper Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder. Here are its many claims:

• Motor driven, battery powered, weight activated perch ring
• Weight calibrated to allow birds to eat, flips squirrels off
• Powder coated in forest green
• Advanced technology provides the ultimate experience
• Hottest Selling bird feeder in the industry

Key words that sold at least one member of our household: motor-driven, flips squirrels off, advanced technology ... SOLD!

So this weekend, we took the plunge to the new feeder, obviously as much for the entertainment factor as to squirrel proof. We have waited patiently, however, the feeder itself seems to be a deterrent as we have yet to see a squirrel take a spin. Only time will tell who the gullible one is!

**We promise, no squirrels were hurt in the making of this post.

Final New York Observations

Here are a few differences that I noticed between New York and Washington, DC.

1. Magazine stores - there's nothing like it in DC
2. I am admittedly an urban dweller, but even I would miss green
3. Where else can you find Ess-a-Bagel and La Maison du Chocolat in one city?
4. The metro is so much cleaner than the subway
5. But, the subway runs 24 hours
6. There are as many Jamba Juices as Starbucks; you're right, impossible
7. New York's Chinatown is really a Chinatown
8. How much electricity is used in Times Square?
9. In New York, an entire block can have the same address number
10. Where do I find soup dumplings in DC?

Soup Dumplings (Xiao Long Bao)

When you find yourself in New York's Chinatown, besides the fun street shopping and knock-off you-name-it, scout out Joe's Shanghai Restaurant for soup dumplings. A friend recommended this culinary experience and we will be back for sure! You will find Joe's at 9 Pell Street between Mott and Bowery. It's a very small, one-way street and it's easy to miss. In this rather compact setting, the seating is sort of family style for smaller parties.

From Joe's Shanghai Restaurant:

Xiao Long Bao or "Little Dumplings from Basket" was originated from Nan Xiang, a suburb of Shanghai. Their perfectly symmetrical shape, resembles a pagoda.

These tender pouches, "little dumplings", are freshly made to order. They arrive at the table in piping hot bamboo steamers. Each plump dumpling contains a little pork meatball surrounded by a delightful meaty broth.

To prevent burning one's mouth and to savor the dumpling, the preferred method of consumption is to bite off a little piece of the doughy wrapper, suck the broth with a "slurp", then eat the rest.

There are two variations available at Joe's Shanghai - crab meat and pork meat. Each basket is freshly made to order, so don't forget to order your Soup Dumpling upon arrival at your table. Otherwise it might be a long wait.

A cartoonist, Robert Zimmerman, had drawn "Soup Dumplings: A Survival Course" comic strip that was once published in the newspapers. It comedically depicts the hazard of eating a fresh, piping hot dumpling. Although a little extreme, the danger of burning one's mouth is no different from the dangers of enjoying a hot cup of coffee.

Art Appreciation

I admit that I'm not one to appreciate all-things art. To me, a canvas with a single stripe of paint isn't necessarily art with someone's deep, inner spiritual meaning of life. I just have a difficult time with that.

I know it's all about styles and preferences. I suppose my preference is a PICTURE of something . . . anything, as long as it is even a somewhat recognizable object. I say this somewhat in jest, as I do like a few modern artists such as Gregg Robinson and I can even appreciate the abstract work of Salvadore Dalí.

My art appreciation was tested this weekend at the Guggenheim Museum, Metropolitan Museum of Art and the International Center of Photography, which although recognizeable objects, not spectaculorly photographed. However, I'm most spoiled as I believe Brian's photography could easily match most I've seen this weekend.

New York

We're in New York for the weekend. We recommend seeing Frost/Nixon written by Peter Morgan starring Frank Langella and Michael Sheen at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre, which we saw this evening. It was really well done.

The most exciting news so far is that Brian is the new owner of a Sony® α (alpha) DSLR-A100K (digital single-lens reflex camera for non-camera acronym knowing people like me!). His camera buying experience at J&R is captured on the Digital Photography Review discussion forum.

We are staying in the theater district and Times Square is a mere three blocks away. Right next to our hotel is a magazine store, literally a little store with magazine racks surrounding all sides. We both commented on how New York-esque the store is.

Look-ALike?

Does anyone else think that Brian looks a little like Tony?

Will Tony have a new teammate next year? Brian predicts that Dale Earnhardt Jr will drive for Joe Gibbs Racing in 2008. You heard it here first!